Keeping It Secret
by CourageConConfidence
Summary: A one-shot in Remus's POV, his first year of Hogwarts, just try it out, purely for your enjoyment, I'd appreciate a review if you get the chance (:


I lay awake, staring at the velvet cloth draped above my bed. My eyes are heavy, but sleep eludes me. "Where will they take me tonight?" I wonder, and become lost in thought. I envision a damp cave nestled deep in the Forbidden Forest, blanketed with thick, green moss. The image slowly disintegrates, and I ponder whether anyone will notice my absence. Nausea washes over me, as I think of my friends; they don't actually know what I am. That's the only reason they aren't terrified, like everyone else. As the realization dawns on me I sit up and frantically scramble out of bed.

I _have_ to get out of here, before Sirius and James wake up. If I stay any longer, they'll pummel me with questions, and whine about how it's not fair that I get to go on an 'adventure' and they don't. Tiptoeing, I leave the dormitory and clamber out of the portrait hole. The corridor beyond is deserted; the whole castle is asleep. Outside, the sun is beginning to rise. A small amount of light shines through the windows lining the walls, filling the corridor with eerie shadows. A shiver runs down my spine, and suddenly, I'm aware that I have no idea where to go.

I walk aimlessly, winding through silent corridors and occasionally climbing staircases. Before I know it, I'm standing in front of a marble gryphon. Transfixed, I stare into its beady, life-like eyes, and the gryphon stares back…expectantly. The sound of approaching footsteps brings me back to reality. Panicked, I spin around, scanning the corridor for a place to hide; it's against school rules to be out of my dormitory this early in the morning. But it's too late, there's nowhere to go, and at the end of the hallway, someone is rounding the corner. I stand rooted to the spot, terrified to see the headmaster, Professor Dumbledore, sweeping towards me.

"Ah, Remus," he says. "I've been expecting you."

"You have?" I reply, completely aghast. I have no idea what he's talking about, but I decide to go along. Maybe this way I can avoid getting in trouble for wandering the corridors during restricted hours.

"Of course," he replies. "However, I must admit I didn't anticipate your arriving at 4:30 in the morning."

"S-sorry s-sir, is it a bad time? I can come back later!" I stammer, and turn to leave.

"No, that will not be necessary. I've just been out for stroll in the gardens, and I could do with a little company. Please, come up to my office." He smiles down at me from behind his half-moon spectacles.

"Oh—all right."

"Toffee Squares," the headmaster states, "I've always found them quite delicious, particularly with a nice, hot cup of tea. Don't you think?" he asks cheerily.

I'm perplexed and somewhat relieved by his calm and friendly engagement, but before I can reply, the gryphon statue springs to life. It spirals upward, revealing a marble staircase. Professor Dumbledore casually steps forward and begins to ascend. At the top of the stairs, he pushes open a door, revealing his circular study. The headmaster proceeds to his desk and invites me to take a seat opposite him.

"So…Mr. Lupin…I assume you're here to talk about 'the plan' for this evening?" he questions after we've made ourselves comfortable.

"Oh,Y-Yes sir," I lie. To tell the truth, the thought hadn't even crossed my mind, but while I'm here, I might as well find out, "Where exactly am I supposed to transform?"

"I've made arrangements for you to be escorted to the Whomping Willow at 7:00 this evening. Are you familiar with the tree?"

"Yes." I reply. How could I not be? The thing looks deadly. On Sunday evenings, Sirius, James, and I dare each other to get as close as we can to the tree's thrashing branches. Immediately, I regret thinking of my friends. I'm also a bit worried about what the headmaster has in mind.

"At the base of the Whomping Willow's trunk, there is an entrance to a tunnel that leads to the previous residence of Mr. Willard Harpington. The house is located on the outskirts of Hogsmeade, and it's been vacant for years. Don't worry, no one will come near, I've placed numerous protective enchantments around its premises," the headmaster explains. "Do you have any further questions?"

"Well…" I begin.

"Yes?"

"I was wondering if I'm required to attend classes today. Before transformations, I always feel nauseated and achy. This time around, it's worse than usual."

What I say is partially true; I really don't feel exceptionally well. Going to school means confronting my friends, and that's the real reason I don't want to go. I've already told Sirius and James that I'm going away this evening, but if I talk to them today, they'll just want to know more. For a moment, Dumbledore looks at me. I watch his crystal-blue eyes glint in the flickering candlelight, and I begin to wonder if I am pushing my limits. After all, he has already allowed me attend Hogwarts, regardless of my 'condition.'

"I'm sure Madam Pomfrey would be happy to take care of you," Professor Dumbledore finally says. "But you may want to reconsider your decision."

My stomach somersaults. I get the terrible feeling that he knows I've lied.

"Hiding things from your friends isn't going keep them from discovering your secrets," the headmaster says placidly. "If you avoid James and Sirius, it will only encourage their thirst for information. Those two aren't ones to take no for an answer, and they definitely have an affinity for trouble. If you ask me, though I know you haven't, **it is our choices that define who we are far more than out abilities**. Please do not take what I've said wrongly, Remus. I only speak from experience, and no matter the circumstances, deceiving those closest to you is never the right choice."

As the words escape the professor's lips, I'm awed by the way he has seen right through me. At the same time, I feel a pang of guilt in my chest. I'm deeply ashamed I lied to the headmaster, and above all, I'm ashamed I've hidden who I really am from James and Sirius. If they are truly my friends, they will stand by me no matter what. If not, they aren't worth having in the first place._ I_ am the one who has failed, and I cannot blame _this_ problem on Fenrir Greyback, as I have blamed so many others. I am who I who I am, werewolf or not.


End file.
